i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just found puke in my bra..
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
