I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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