imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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