if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
did i walk over a car last night?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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