He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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