I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he fucked my hip out of place.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
