Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
