He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
