I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
