and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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