he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
