Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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