It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
