remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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