it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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