You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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