Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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