So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
