No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
