I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
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I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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