Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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