It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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