Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize