Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
