the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I puked a lego.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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