he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
