I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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