Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
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My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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