How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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