theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
