you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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