I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
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I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
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I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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