I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
