i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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