I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
