Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
