im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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