Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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