Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
