my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
