did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
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I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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