I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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