you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
