Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
