My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
