And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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