its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
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Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She even gives head with a lisp.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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