After last night, I could never be a politician.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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