Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
love makes seman taste better
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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