I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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