forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
