Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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