In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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