i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
